CONSCIOUS RAGE & SELF-LOVE, BOUNDARIES AND THE POWER OF LETTING GO
Diary of a Sleeping Goddess
This episode is about boundaries, and what happens in the body when we finally learn to protect ourselves from love and truth instead of fear.
As women, so many of us have learned to protect ourselves from a place of survival. We shut down, people-please, take on a man’s discomfort and keep the peace at the cost of our own. Yet the womb is the space of all creation, and we are the gatekeepers of that gold.
In a Tantra practice this week, I saw how much of my life has been spent seeking the masculine’s love and validation outside myself. Then something shifted. The Divine Masculine heart within me rose up to hold my womb in absolute love, and I felt this sturdy, Joan of Arc presence, a protector of my own truth.
That’s when my body showed me what had been going on. On an energetic and emotional level, my liver had been in fight mode, holding onto anger and protection because it didn’t feel safe; my large intestine just wanted to let go and find peace. Once I embodied conscious rage and self-love, my heart and my voice together, my liver knew I would honour and protect my boundaries.
Only then could it stop fighting. And when my liver let go, my large intestine could finally release in forgiveness: the acceptance of the unacceptable, so it’s never accepted again. That’s the final piece of the alchemy, the lead turned to gold.
I also talk about healing as a spiral, carbon becoming the diamond, why I don’t believe in twin flames (only mirrors), the wounding of the dark feminine, and how society has kept men and women separated from their hearts and their power. It always comes back to self-love, and to the sacred union within.
🌹 For women Daughters of the Golden Rose Lineage:
https://www.theinfinityhealthhub.com/courses/daughters-of-the-golden-rose
Pathway of the Violet Rose:
https://www.theinfinityhealthhub.com/courses/pathway-of-the-violet-rose
Women’s Telegram community:
https://t.me/+JKBcT99AYxc3ZWI8
🔥 For men The Embodied Divine Masculine:
https://www.theinfinityhealthhub.com/courses/embodied-masculine-heart-of-divine-feminine
Men’s Telegram brotherhood:
https://t.me/+bJZbP0Atcn85NjU0
💛 Start with your body LOVE2heal:
https://www.theinfinityhealthhub.com/courses/love2heal
New and full moon sound meditations, and everything else, at the Infinity Health Hub:
https://www.theinfinityhealthhub.com
Lots of love, Gemma x
🌹🖤🌹
TRANSCRIPT
Where do I go with this one? There’s so much that’s been coming up as I understand myself on a deeper level, and boundaries is the big one. It always seems to be, to be honest, because healthy boundaries weren’t shown to me or practised when I was growing up.
I’ve been very fortunate to have a husband who has helped me look at my boundaries and been very protective of them. And I know that as a young woman I was very aware of having to protect myself and my energy. I wouldn’t drink much, because I didn’t want to lose control in case I wasn’t safe.
What’s really coming through is that, unfortunately, we women have to protect ourselves. We have to protect our energy and our bodies. The real shame behind that is that women have so much to offer, so much beauty to share and radiate out. Yet from a place of survival we have to protect ourselves. We learn how to contain ourselves. We learn to be the people pleaser, to sacrifice our inner peace to keep the peace, and not to say what we really want to say because we worry about the other person’s reaction.
A lot of the time, as a woman, that’s towards a man. A man advances and you take on his discomfort, rather than reflecting it back and saying, “That’s not okay. You need to deal with that.”
We’ve learned this way of protecting ourselves from our own experiences and from what we’ve inherited. It isn’t only from being sexually abused, though that’s fundamental. It’s also the energy we carry within our wombs as women.
We are the gatekeepers of life. We create life. And our wombs are (I’m feeling emotional as I say this, interestingly) the space of creation of all. The womb holds the DNA of everything that is life. The Sophia, the Creatrix. We are the gatekeepers of that.
We’ve gone into an amnesia about it, because it was abused and misused millennia ago. And not only has it been misused, there have been attempts to access it, because this is the sacred life force within our wombs that creates life. That is the gold. Absolute gold. That’s what man, or other forces working through men, have tried to get at.
And now we’re shifting, individually and collectively. We’re starting to wake up and move out of the false survival patterns humanity has created: scarcity, suffering and separation. We’re moving through them because they aren’t our pure truth. Our pure truth is that we are divine soul beings.
Those with strong hearts who have come through in this time are the bearers of pure love and pure light. The really strong hearts often get shoved into the darkest of beginnings. They probably don’t realise it, but they’ve stayed true. That’s the power of their heart: to remain in love and not fall into fear or become the perpetrator. I’ve always tried to find the peace, to seek the peace.
They’ve been tunnelling through the deep, dark shite of humanity, the plague humanity has created. We’ve been deep-dive mining with a pure, pure heart, and it’s uncovering us. It’s breaking up the encasement around our truth, around who we are, so we can start to break free.
Because they are the alchemists. They’re the ones who have come in with a pure heart, like carbon. I say this a lot: the carbon that is our DNA stays true to its structure under intense pressure. It doesn’t change its structure at all. Plenty of other compounds and chemicals combine with something else to become something else. Carbon doesn’t. It remains true to itself, and under intense pressure and heat it eventually becomes the diamond.
I see that as the process we’re going through: the more aware soul beings doing and practising this work. It means looking at the shadows, the unconscious and the subconscious. It’s not all love and light. It’s done through the channel of unconditional love and light, but it means going into the deep, dark depths of ourselves and moving through them with a courageous heart.
That’s what I’m seeing in the Embodied Divine Masculine container I’m holding for men only, in the Pathway of the Violet Rose and the work I’ve done with women, and in myself. It’s about trusting the wisdom of your body, the discernment of your body, which is the masculine energy. It’s trusting that whatever comes up, your heart can hold it and release it with ease and grace.
We all tend to fear what comes up, and fear we won’t know what to do with it. It’s like a dam breaking. The fucking deluge would be carnage. So this process is about knowing that you can go through layer upon layer and trust your body with the release. The heart is what holds both. It lets you connect to what comes up, alchemise it, release it, and bring it back as insight, wisdom and greater love for yourself.
So much of my journey has been this, and I’m still learning. I’m still learning. It’s like, “Oh my god, have I not dealt with that one?” I see healing as a spiral. You can never get it all done. You might think you’re going round in circles, but you’re not. It lifts a little each time, a bit like the orbits of Venus and Earth. It looks as though they touch, but they don’t. They just miss, and carry on. That creates an infinite spiral, a weaving: the five-petal rose of Earth and Venus. That’s a big part of my work, the rose lineage, and it’s in service to everything I do through my practice. I see it as the light within us, the blueprint of our truth. It’s a spiral of alchemy we’re doing.
We couldn’t do it all at once. It would be too much. The body is very intelligent, and that’s what I keep trying to say: our body created us, not our mind. Nobody sat inside the womb going, “Right, leg next, arm next.” It didn’t happen because anybody was consciously directing it. There’s a deep inner wisdom of creation, of consciousness, that created us, and it’s in us every breathing, living day.
This journey is about consciously connecting, through the heart, to that wisdom of creation within us. It’s within both men and women. Yet women hold its portal, within the womb. And men hold their sacredness in the heart, as the protector, in honour of the Divine Feminine of Creation, using absolute discernment to see what is pure and what is not.
This is where I see we’re being called to rise up in our consciousness. When I say rise up, I don’t mean floating off this mortal coil. I mean rising in our frequency, moving out of the density of lead (shame, guilt and fear) and alchemising it into gold. Into who we truly are, in that insight and wisdom.
Through the practice I did this morning, I realised my life has been about seeking the masculine’s attention. Seeking a man’s love. That started when I was a child, and I never got it. Then the child seeking unconditional love turns into performance, the feeling that you’re not enough as you are. The performance and the need to be needed probably brought me into healing and therapy work. Because all of a sudden you’ve got a purpose. You’re seen. You have value. You’re needed. All of that comes from attachment, from fear, because you’re still seeking validation outside yourself.
Then, as you grow up as a woman, it’s about being seen: how beautiful you are, what attention you get from men, and whether that makes you happy or not. The up, the down, the rollercoaster.
Where I am now personally, things are shifting. I’m having to support myself more financially, and I’m awakening the wild feminine, this beautiful divine energy within me. Naturally, that gets attention. It’s a bit moth to the light with some. And I’m seeing that we can mistake desire for love. It isn’t love.
It’s also shown me, interestingly, how the dark feminine capitalises on that: the allure the dark feminine has. Yet she still comes from a wounded place, still the child seeking love. So an even greater wound comes when the dark feminine uses the allure of her power. She isn’t met with love. She’s just attached to. She gets taken from, so she’s misused even more. It’s a huge wounding pattern that can play out in so many ways, in different interactions and relationships.
That’s shown me how it affects men too, and whether they can open their hearts and feel safe. How do they know they’re not being manipulated, with all the shape-shifting? We’re all coming from a wounded part of us, a belief in separation. The healing has to come from within. The separation is the mindset that we need something outside ourselves to feel whole.
As if somewhere out there is the right one. The twin flame conversations get bandied around a lot in spirituality. I don’t think there is one. I genuinely don’t. I think there are mirrors. Huge, powerful mirrors that show us what we’re missing inside and challenge us to find it in ourselves. It might feel positive, or it might seem negative, but it’s probably still positive once you can see it consciously and ask, “How is this happening for me? How do I grow from this?”
Because the twin flame narrative says you’re not whole. But you are. The journey is remembering that you are whole, and that you are the sacred union of self. You are both the feminine and the masculine, whether you’re male or female.
What I felt today through my Tantra practice was this: how could I ever be the sacred gatekeeper of this precious gold within my womb if I’m still looking outwards for reassurance, for something outside myself? I’m bleeding and leaking this energy. I’m not its divine protector. How can I be trusted with this pure, pure energy?
And it transformed into the Divine Masculine heart, which I’ve felt before through treatments and through this container: the power of the divine masculine, Shiva. The masculine aspect of my soul and my heart began to move around and hold my womb, in absolute divine love for myself and my body. I could feel my love for myself. I could see myself. Instead of wanting to be seen and validated by something outside me, I saw me. I saw who I was. I felt my body and I loved my body. I loved what I am and what I carry as a woman: the preciousness of this sacred energy, the Persephone, the gold, the creation.
And that shifted something. I felt as if I was holding a huge sword, as if Joan of Arc came through. It was an absolute, sturdy, divine masculine power and presence that I held.
I’m sharing this because the ways we’ve learned to protect ourselves as women have come from fear. They’re survival patterns we’ve inherited and experienced. So we shut ourselves down. We don’t feel safe enough to be our full, radiant selves, because we fear that if we open up we’ll be taken for granted, abused and misused. And understandably so, because that has happened, and it still is happening.
Yet what this journey is showing me is how to protect ourselves from a place of truth and heart consciousness. Rather than surviving in fear, we’re here to thrive. So how do we honour and protect our power and our energy consciously? Through embodying the Divine Masculine.
It also showed me, the other day, that my liver and my large intestine were having a bit of a contest. My liver was saying, “Fuck you, fuck this, we are not letting go. We’re staying in this anger and this protection, because this is where I need to be. I am not safe.”
And the large intestine, which carries out the final act of letting go, was saying, “Please can we find peace? I just want to forgive. I just want to let go. Can we please be in peace? I just want some fucking peace.”
The two are connected fascially, through the falciform ligament, and through the portal vein. That’s why haemorrhoids often come up when the liver and large intestine aren’t connecting well and are competing in pressure against one another.
This is how crazy I am. I can go completely off into the energetic field and then come straight back down to piles. That’s my journey. I can hold and see the energetics right down to the physical, right down to your butthole. That’s how wacky-backy I am, but I can see it scientifically too. I can hold space for the whole of your being.
So my liver and my large intestine were having this contest. The large intestine wanted peace, and the liver said, “No, because we need to protect ourselves.” That’s when my heart and my throat came in: my heart of self-love, and my voice of truth. My throat is a little bit scratchy, so I’m opening that up.
Ultimately it’s about being safe. It’s the nervous system. I have to feel safe to speak my truth, and I will not hold it back for love or money, because that’s how I protect myself.
When I brought my heart and my throat together, I embodied a deeper level of self-love and rage, because rage is what the liver holds onto. That’s why so many women struggle with hot flushes and other symptoms. The liver is saying, “I’m not putting up with this shit anymore. I’m not dealing with this anymore.” That’s where the mood swings come from. Conscious rage needs your heart to open and say, “I deserve better, and I’m not putting up with any more shit.”
But that doesn’t come from pushing things away. It means I will embody who the fuck I am and the love that I am. I will stand in this power, this vibration, this frequency, my light. From a place of wholeness, I will not tolerate anything that isn’t aligned with my truth, my love, my value and my worth.
Then, all of a sudden, because of that shift, that choice to protect myself, honour myself and use my voice, the liver says, “Great. I don’t have to hold onto this anger anymore. I can tell that you have your voice now, and you’ll protect me. You’ll protect all of us, your entire being. So now we can let go.”
Now we can let go. People often think forgiveness and letting go mean carrying on and letting it happen again. But forgiveness is accepting the unacceptable so that it’s never accepted again. That’s the gold. That’s the insight and the wisdom. It’s the final stage of the whole alchemy of emotional intelligence, where we take the dark back to the light and the lead to the gold. That’s the processing.
I’m seeing those deeper levels now. Part of me sees pure love and innocence and wants to see that in everyone else. And I do see it. But people also carry their darkness and their shadows. And society has really fucking made sure, and stamped its heavy footprint on it, to keep men and women separated.
It teaches that all there is between men and women is sex, or that men must gain something from women. Because men have been shut off from their hearts and their sacredness. They see their cock as one thing only, a way of releasing. But it’s more than that. Your whole spine, from cock to heart, is your consciousness. It’s your power and your light. You were never shown or taught that. You were taught that to feel whole you have to access what women have to give you. That is not how it is.
Women can hold this space consciously. Once a woman fully understands who the fuck she is and the power she holds, she knows it isn’t to be given away willy-nilly just to feel loved, because she holds that love in herself first, unconditionally. She’s fully aware of what she carries, she loves herself, and through her masculine she’s in full divine protection of the pure power she holds.
Men who go through this process become fully aware of what women carry and hold in their bodies, and how women can help them find it within themselves too. It’s like a second rebirth.
This is where the wild feminine comes in, with her fire. She shows a man where his projected ego and his identities are, and the society that created them. She trusts that he can burn that down. But he needs to know he’s safe to let it go. Because if he lets go and the woman is of ill intent, the dark feminine who wants to castrate and control him because she has been abused and is acting from that wound, he won’t be able to let himself go. There’s that fear: “If I let myself go, will I be lost forever?”
That’s the process. When we start holding each other from a sacred, conscious place, it stops being about what we can gain or get from each other. Women often try to get hold of a man’s heart in order to be loved, but they need to love themselves first. A man feels that need, and it’s as if he’s thinking, “You’re trying to take something from me. I need to protect this.” He might not know what’s going on, but that’s what’s happening unconsciously. Because neither of our energies, our sacredness, is there to be taken (I’ve talked about this in a previous episode). It’s whole and it’s sacred. It’s a sharing, a celebration. It’s not something to be tapped into. It’s about opening and moving into a flow of bliss, of connection, of co-creation.
But when both people unconsciously feel that something is being taken from them, they’ll stay closed off. That’s why I keep saying it’s our somatics, our nervous system.
So we women really need to fucking wake up and honour what we hold. That’s the work of the Daughters of the Golden Rose and the Pathway of the Violet Rose, and I’ve combined the two. We have to wake up and honour what we’re carrying, look at all the belief systems and survival patterns that have us bleeding this energy out, and start to consolidate it and really freaking own it.
And then we need our men. The beauties I have in this container are in divine service to the feminine. That’s their embodied masculine. It’s what they’re here for: to protect the creation.
That’s when we start to rebuild. We act from discernment, from what is true and what is pure, and move out of the scarcity, the separation, the survival and the suffering. When women and men do this together consciously, they can hold healthy boundaries. There might be a huge energetic connection, but they also hold the boundaries of what is pure, and of what each can see the other carrying.
The same goes for other relationships. It doesn’t have to be sexual. It could be a friendship, it could be same-sex. It’s about how we interact with one another, and recognising the sacred, divine energy we carry within each other. The connection isn’t about what we can gain from each other. It’s about what each of us can show the other.
So that’s what I wanted to share. It’s a bit of a mind dump.
If I had to name the practice, it always comes back to self-love. It seems to be never-ending, each layer a deeper level of self-love and self-acceptance in our bodies. Body dysmorphia hasn’t been so much of a thing for me lately, but it still has an essence to it: that complete disconnection from the power we are. That’s interesting, because it’s what women are always being shown. They’ve got to look like this or look like that. They’re constantly belittling and berating their bodies, so they never fully love and accept themselves, and that blocks them from their power.
And men are told to shut down their hearts and live only at the end of their cock, or fight. That shuts them off from their true power as well.
The system has really screwed up both men and women. What I see through this consciousness, this sacred conscious connection, is that we start to honour who we truly are. We start to see each other, see that we’re not that different, and see that we have beautiful things to gain from one another.
As Carl Jung put it, a woman carries a masculine soul and a man a feminine soul. That’s the sacred union, and it always begins from within. With self-love.
Thank you for listening. I truly hope this has supported you in some way. Choose you. Love yourself on a deeper level, in whatever way you can, and take the gentle steps and actions that feel aligned for you.
Take care, and lots of love.
RELATED ARTICLES AND CONTENT
The Dark Divine & Shadow Feminine - article
Reclaiming Your Power and Sovereignty - article and videos sharing how imperative it is to become mindful and conscious of our mental energy.
The Atomic Shift - The Earth’s Awakening and the Ending of the Industrialised Soul - a podcast episode where myself and Rachel Maria Bell discuss the energies present and evolving, the astrological alignments and the repeating patterns of time and history
Boundaries and the Power of Letting Go